Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
