I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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