Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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