I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
did i walk over a car last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
