I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
