It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize