Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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