i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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