The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
