I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
