its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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