I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
sarcasm needs its own font
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
