I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
