the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i dont even know how to be here
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
