just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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