my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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