what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
