I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
