I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
