I feel great
I just peed on a car
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize