I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
