nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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