I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
