If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
