this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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