Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
