I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
