I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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