I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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