So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize