Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
