he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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