the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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