his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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