hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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