There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
