You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize