I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
