She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
