Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize