my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its not stalking. its research.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think my moral compass just broke
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