He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
