If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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