Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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