So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize