just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
well you can't waste a boner
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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