i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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