then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
