hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She announced her abortion via fbk
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
