My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
