True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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