I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
