Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
