I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
