Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
