if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
