no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize