so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
