Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You are a genius and a whore.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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