I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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