Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
